It’s been a long time since I felt well enough to write for the blog. I have been having a really hard time with this pregnancy, not unlike my first. I really envy those women who breeze through their pregnancy with nothing more than a growing belly to show for it, but that’s not how it goes for me. Creating new life quite literally sucks the life force right out of me.
I’m in my tenth week right now, in theory I’m a quarter of the way through. Whenever I have a hard task to do that I can fragment into time blocks, I’ll tell myself “oh, I can do this three more times, no problem.” Knowing I’m only a quarter of the way through the pregnancy feels awfully disheartening though. This is all pretty unbearable though, even knowing the great prize that comes at the end of the suffering. I know I can do it, and will, but it’s a lot to endure right now with very little gratification at this stage.
The worst of it though, is that I know my daughter is losing out on a lot in the process. She went from having an active and engaged mother to having a puking couch potato who can’t stand noise and any level of mental stimulation half the time. She’s been spending a lot of time with her mema and my mom guilt is constantly in full effect.
And just thinking about the fact that when this ends, it’s not like she gets her life as she knows it back, there is going to be an infant that will also take time and energy away from her. I know that in the grand scheme giving her a sibling will enrich her life, teach her to share and broaden her scope of relationships and yet I find myself mourning the life we had together at the same time. I know I’m not alone in this, I’ve seen the sentiment reflected quite a bit in other people’s writings online. But it’s all part of the wild mental olympics that happen during such a transition time in life.
At the moment my symptoms aren’t the worst they’ve been. I have a low level of queasiness that is sitting in my throat and intense fatigue. My doctor prescribed me reglan for the morning sickness but now I’ve developed a rotten and long lasting headache from it after only five days of use and need to take Tylenol too often for my comfort during pregnancy so I’m discontinuing it. I find headaches to be some of the worse pain in the world. It’s hard not to get disheartened when you feel like no matter what you do you’re going to be feeling lousy in some way.
So I’m still here guys, still chugging along, taking it day by day, counting down the days. 207 days left to be precise. Some things in life are a journey to savor and meander through, doing your best to slow down time and soak it all in and some things in life are a hardship to be endured for the greater good. While I know once the belly grows and I start feeling movement and kicks, there will be some beautiful moments just like in my last pregnancy, for the most part this is an event in my life to endure to get the prize and do the service.
Growing life is a noble undertaking. It isn’t all roses. In fact for me so far, there has been precisely one rose, via seeing the tiny baby wiggling around on the ultrasound screen. That’s a moment that reminds you why you’re doing it, why you’re going through the day to day hell. I know when it’s over it will have been fast in relative terms but in the daily living it’s not fun, its exhaustion, sickness, pain and sadness over the loss of my vitality.
I feel like too often women are needlessly pressured to grin and glow through pregnancy even when for many of us it is relatively miserable. I think it’s okay to own that this isn’t the delight of my life. It’s a means to an end, a gift I’m giving my second child before I ever meet them, a gift to my daughter to give her another connection in the world, a gift to my husband and myself to expand our little family. It involves a lot of pain and sacrifice and that’s okay. The time will pass, and in the meanwhile, I just keep counting down those days.