It’s Sunday morning, and I’m home alone. Well, not totally alone, my two cats are here. I hear them crunching away on their breakfast in the kitchen as I sit here to write. Justin, my husband, is working today so he can have off on thanksgiving… a bullshit trade in my opinion. It makes me mad that he isn’t just entitled to the day off considering the six day workweeks that are his norm otherwise, that it has to be at the cost of Sunday with his family.
The job poses this offer as if it is a gift, but really it just highlights the deep level of entrenchment that is expected of people to their career. It astounds me that our culture so passively accepts that the balance of work time vs personal time is stacked so heavily towards work. Why do we spend more days per week at work than working on our personal development and deepening our familial bonds?
When Justin works weekends I let our daughter go visit her mema, balancing her relationship with her grandparents versus her father is hard because I never want to let her be away when he is home. I grew up with a sad and fearful relationship with my own father, conflict between us was greatly exacerbated by rarely seeing him, and when I did see him he was the fist of the law. That is when the consequences would drop for all of the annoyances I caused my mother during the week. I’d be dealt with, sent off to marinate in shame for the day in my room and then he would be gone again. I grew to revile him, and my mother too for using him as a tool to control me.
I don’t want that for her, I want her to be comfortable with her daddy. I don’t want him to be the man who is around once a week, disciplines her and then he is gone again. I never encourage him to discipline her, I handle that as much myself as I can. I spend every day with her and have plenty of time to offset the times I have to disappoint or critique her. They say for every negative interaction in a relationship you need five positive to offset it. I never got that with my dad, simply because time and lifestyle wouldn’t allow it. After enough years passed and I came to knew what his role in my life was, I didn’t want it either. The damage was done, and it has lasted a lifetime. I’m still not comfortable with my own father to a certain degree.
I’m thinking about the blog today, and making plans for what to write about going forward. I’m really proud of my husband for the post he made yesterday, his altered level of introspection from the man I once knew is incredible. I told him to write whatever comes to him as that will be what he feels is of most importance but it’s hard to follow my own advice on that. It’s hard to organize my own thoughts because I have so many. It’s weird to have this sudden rush of inspiration in my life when for so long there was nothing and yet the cascade of insight puts me on pause because it’s hard to sort the thoughts into order of importance. Maybe today I’m meant to be all over the place, I will follow my own advice. I will just share with you my Sunday morning musings.
Today I’m going to set up the bones of our Christmas decorations to surprise my daughter when she gets home. Years previous I did all of the decorating and she simply observed, I was too controlling to let her be involved, on the quest for the Pinterest perfect tree. This time, she will come home and find the tree assembled and ready for us to decorate together. I want her to enjoy this holiday and I want to let go of the obsession of perfection I’ve had for my whole life.
I have such a wonderful little girl and I haven’t always done right by her, but I’m trying. I’ve been saying to Justin lately that our future children will have complete parents from the start while my daughter has had to endure us growing up right alongside her. There will always be a different dimension to my relationship with her than any future children because she knew us at our worst and is watching us grow into what we are today. It took a long time to realize that adequate net worth didn’t make us evolved people, but we are on the right path now.
I miss her so much when she is gone, whether it’s to preschool or visiting her mema. Thankfully or sadly, depending on how you look at it, the other grandparents in her life never take her away from me. That’s a post for another day but it pains my soul that people claim to love her and yet never find time for her… but at the same time, the selfish part of me is glad, because I want her with me anyway.
Last night with her sleeping at her mema’s house, Justin and I went a sushi buffet we have long loved. We haven’t been there since my weight loss journey began, ten months and forty pounds ago. I ate far too much and felt pained the whole way home. I guess I had to experience it one last time to realize that it’s lost its enjoyability to me, and plunking down the money at the end for the privilege of taking on self-torture via a brimming stomach feels bizarre and wrong. At this stage of evolution, I guess the all you can eat buffet has lost its shine in my eyes. And yet now, the next day, now that the stomach has settled and the pain is gone, I find myself romanticizing it in my mind and wondering when to return. It’s pathological. I’m glad I’m awake enough to see the mental manipulations going on within myself though and simply observe them without acting upon them like I would’ve in the past. Addiction is no joke, and it’s just a reminder to stay vigilant in my mission here. The work is not yet done.
All I want to achieve in this life is losing all of the weight so that I can be a credible example to help others, securing a homestead that we can live and grow upon, and pouring my messages out into the world. I know now I had to live the life I did in order to relate to the people I want to help. I know what it feels like to be living for all the wrong reasons. To be drowning in the sea of consumerism, filling my every thought with ways to spend my husbands hard-earned money to fill the void made by his absence while he is out there to earn it. To eat away my sorrows, to blanket my emotions with marijuana, to fill my heart with venom for those who have wronged or offended me, to allow every and any vice to take ahold of me to anesthetize me to the pain of a life of deep dissatisfaction.
With everything that has happened in my life as of recent on a spiritual level, though, now I see the world and my entire life in a different way. I gained a dimension to my sight that was never there before. I can see my intentions behind every action that has puzzled me from my prior path, I can assess other people and their actions in the same way now as well. I can look at someone and see their pain and grief and frustration with life, even if they cannot. This is a gift, a gift of some kind of insight and I want to harness it, develop it and use it to alter the course of many lives.
I want to rip people right out of their personal misery and shove them into the light of awareness, the light of acting with intention. I feel like the blog is a means to achieving that, but I want to get the word out there on a grand scale… WAKE UP, I want to scream, stop what you’re doing! If you’re smoking weed every single day, you’re not happy! If your every focus is on money earned and spent, you’re not happy! If you’re addicted to food, there is a way out! If the relationships around you drag you into the ground, let them go! You don’t owe anyone, any custom, any convention your joy and very life. Go against the grain, cut off your hair if you want to, abandon the culture that was thrust upon you and find your own way in this world! Start standing up for yourself and your soul!
That’s what I’m doing, what I’ve been doing for a while now, grabbing life by the balls and saying I will steer you, you will not steer me. I feel alive in a way I never have before. I feel more like myself than I ever have. I’ve mentioned previously in the blog, that my minds vision of myself never used to match my exterior. But it’s starting to. I’m starting to reflect my true self out into the world. This is me! Some people aren’t liking it, some people are looking at me askance but that is okay. Crazy, different, unique, quirky, whatever you want to call me is fine. I’m no longer scared to be the weird one in the room. I’m no longer terrified of being judged and mocked for being different. I’m alive, I’m so alive for the first time and it is pure joy.
It’s time to get to work on this lonely Sunday morning. Readers, I hope you can find some personal joy today. Start walking the path towards your true intentions for life. You are not alone.